!! writings !!
20260312
"IM SO ANGRY
IM GOING TO BOMB EVERYTHING in minecraft
im crashing out
i came to swing on my swing and listen to music
i have been swinging on this swing for like 10+ years now.
i get there and its DECIMATED. DESTROYED. NO MORE SWING.
i cant cope with this. what do i do. i came here to be happy and swing on my swing and listen to music and now im CRASHINGNOUT.
FUCK THISFHIFHFKDJFKFIGITIGIFHDIHFIFHFKFJFOFHFKHFKFHFKFGJ
i cant cope with this
my swing is gone
im like literally on the verge of tears not even joking over my swing being gone. this is lik a historical monument being destroyed
im angry and my anger burns like a thousand suns"
-me on discord because, as you can see, i came to swing on a swing i have been swinging on for more than 10 years now. and it was gone, dissipated, decimated, destroyed. the construction vehicles destroyed the whole entire playground. this was the only good old thing left in this "constantly improving" town and they destroyed it. there is construction everywhere and i am very annoyed, nothing is broken, nothing needs fixing. i can't even ride my bicycle or walk on the sidewalks anymore because they are all being "fixed." there is nothing to fix.
this swing has been very important to me for my time growing up here. it was a single black swing among 3 other green swings. it was special. when i was younger i came to this swing every single night and would listen to music for at least 30 minutes on it. as i got older, i got busier of course, but i would still make time for the swing. i went to the swing to celebrate happy times. i went to the swing to wallow in sad times. laughing, crying, anger, love. i came to this swing with friends. i came to this swing with lovers. i came to this swing after hours. i had important life conversations and decisions on this swing. i experienced magical fungus and evil lettuce on this swing. i experienced heartbreak, love, coming of age. i would try to go really high and reach the tree branches with my legs. i would look at the moon and ponder the sky. i buried my first hamster, jessica kailani, near this swing when she died.
there was a period of time when a nonverbal autistic guy would go on the swing next to me. we had an alliance, we would swing next to each other for a long time every night. we never said hi, we never said bye, but we would swing together. it was nice. there was also a man who would come every night on a walk with his son, also nonverbal. he would smoke cigarettes and sometimes a rare conversation would happen between us. he still comes with cigarettes, but without his son.
this swing plays a pivotal part in my journey as a music person. carving out a block of time to just listen to and appreciate music, and really take it in while feeling the velocity of the world formed my brain into a perfect shape. had this swing not existed, my music listening experience would be less ideal.
this swing plays a pivotal part of me as a person. the swing was like therapy. maybe even better than therapy. i came to the swing tonight to celebrate the hard work and release of my new track "wires," but the swing was not there. i cried. a grown adult crying over a swing not being there anymore. maybe pathetic, but i do not care. this swing meant so much to me. i rarely feel anger but i really did feel a release of anger at this moment. a lot of emotions came up and i felt them all.
maybe this is a turning point. the original project file for my track was named "turningpoint.wav." the end of the swing feels like the end of an era. i really feel like i ripped the bandaid off with this track, i have so much music and art to make, but now i do not have the swing to accompany me. the swing was really like a friend or close family member to me. it watched me grow up. maybe this is me "growing up." i have to learn to move on, but i am going to miss this swing. i am thankful for the swing for being there for me and being a part of my life. i feel like a part of my life is gone. it is just a swing, a tangible object. it may not be that deep, but i feel deeply.
20250923
Girls Rituals - Goddess
20250908
hii long time no see !! i just wanna write some stuff here just cuz. furries are awesome and make great music. i am currently dopamine detoxing and i put my phone in black and white and keep it very minimal because i only have one life and i will not wish to doomscroll more when im on my deathbed (deathbed? do i really want to die on a bed? i would much rather be doing something cool and swag) (death is weird. i know we all die one day but i still have not made peace with that. i wish to tell my story with art and provide lots of love to the universe before i go out XD). calisthenics are cool but pike pushups are the enemy. i love my cat. i love my friends. keep your circle small but quality. i love life and living. i have 2 exams tomorrow i hope i do okay. i like learning and i love science. parameciums are really cute. minimeters is awesome. i want to swim in the ocean. red light therapy is awesome. i am completely straight edge now as i quit my weekly cig, feels good. meow. meow. meow. woof. i need to clean my room. i need to stream more but i have been studying. i need to lock myself in my room until i make the music. cashews are the greatest. o e e a e o e e e e a e. i love mornings but i rarely see them. live in the present.
i know where im going to, you dont need to tell me. can we bring yesterday back around? they call me the believer, and im not coming back. the sound of metal, i want to be you. i dreamt that i slept enough. i think i wanna rent an apartment. the radio plays out of tune. love's harvest seemed so cruel. think less, but see it grow. let my blood turn to sap and my fingers into leaves. you'll feed me with gasoline, i'll burn my name in your head. endless search of our own footsteps. and you can't see the flesh beneath my veins. i'm in love with my sadness. there'll be nothing left for me to yearn. take a breath and release control. they've got like v.d. personalities. the ears are those of a basilisk. i'm not a man, woman, lady, boy. teach me to be cruel. i can feel my heart beat backwards. here comes the quiet life again?
20240529
i got a kitten ! his name is mishka (it means bear in russian, cute version, cuz i love bears and he's such a qt3.14) ^-^ his name was maya at first cuz we got him on may 1st and everyone thought he was a girl, but he's a boy. he is laying down on my keyboard right now XD mishka literally saved me though. i never feel alone, especially at night when i was scared sometimes. he keeps me company and makes me happy every day :3 he is on vibrate mode all the time he is a purring machine :p
20240529
perfection is a curse
20230918
I love making art, it is what makes me feel alive, but sometimes I put this pressure on myself to make more and feel sad as if I haven't made anything, but in reality I literally made a song 5 days ago and a drawing yesterday! I need to slow down in my thinking, and just enjoy the flow of creating as it comes to me. When I told someone that I have to feel like I am productive at all times or else I feel bad, they immediately asked if I am a capricorn. Lol??? Maybe that is a factor, but I have no idea. I will try my best to stop pressuring myself so much 0-p
20230831
really missing my friend synth :( he's at bootcamp. don't forget to appreciate your friends you never know when you can't talk to them as often, they move away, or god forbid......yeah.....hoping it goes swimmingly for him
20230722
i thought a lot about a cool username that speaks to me. finally: vlada the impaler >:] muahahahaha might be cringy, idk, but i am vlada and i am a vampire and know some romanian so i like ;p let me kmow what u think also: i am making music and art again finally. first song in like 8 months???? feels really good :D
20230401
"when people are represented by their image, and not their work, it really changes how we evaluate people." -oliSUNvia YouTube video
20230131
hello, i swear, this website is not abandoned i think about it a lot. because i have university and a job those things are taking up a lot of my time, i have less time for drawing and crafts and fun; feels kinda dumb, like #adulting or something, cringe but true. do not worry, for the maybe one person who looks at this page, i will continue making things i definitely will not abandon this website. just maybe less often, whenever i have time >.>
20221019
The poem "Masks" by Shel Silverstein really resonates with me. What is the point of trying to fit in, dulling yourself down for no reason. So what if people judge you, that does not matter. If you hide who you really are, it is going to be impossible to find like-minded people and only make life miserable. Yeah I am preaching the be yourself thing here but it really is meaningful.
20211025
i seek comfort in decomposition now that my suffering is nostalgic
20220923
today i appreciate palm trees. they are so beautiful we take them for granted sometimes.
20220923
hello, welcome to to the writings page. here i will put thoughts, observations, whatever. maybe even some poetry stuff if my bravery gets to that. even putting my art on here took a lot of bravery because i am usually not one to share my stuff with a wide audience, but neocities is kinda comfy cozy nice. kinda like putting my stuff out into the void, it is a comfortable feeling. and whoever stumbles upon this however you were brought here, reading this, it is meant to be (LOL that sounds like such cheese) but seriously look at where you are in life and think how you got here. uhh i do not know where i was going with that but maybe you do. but yeah, welcome to the writings page, because sometimes i think of something and then i forget later, maybe this will help me forget less.